a john waters xmas

hey best bosom heavy buddies
could we spend the o holy night together
the stars are brightly shining
in this feels like summer bummer weather
no snow no silver bells to ring
no hark the herald angels sing
so could we have a cinematic rv park xmas this year
just the three of us
singin’ i saw three ships come sailing in
singin’ mary mary where you goin’ to
singin’ who’s makin’ love to yr old lady while you was out makin’ love
o could we dress the part even
ill-fitting leisure suit for me
baby do you wanna dance cuz i’m feelin’ like a third wheel here
or do you wanna take a chance and cop yrself a feel
you see, i’ve taken my inspiration from neil diamond’s
live from orioles memorial stadium circa 1974 baltimore
god i hope you abhor me wearing these red xmas socks with open toe sandals
o come let us adore yr girlfriend’s scandalously short shorts
and nappy tube top this warm 74 degrees xmas eve
wait- don’t wanna forget those furry orange tigger house slippers
she’s out sweepin’ up the carport in
wrapped up in bargain bin disney sweatshirt
you dress warmly, you are feverish
with seditious yet flirtatious dale evans rodeo gal skirt

(loud whistle blows here)

all chefs on deck, kitchen queen alert!
mama, you are so at home on the range
you ask for microwave safe serving bowls,
couldya brown us up some sticky rolls too?
you tell us these cookie sheets have seen some battle
then something about a chafing dish.. sorry, wasn’t listening..
i was counting little cattle on yr girlfriend’s happy trails skirt
and didn’t i get cut down to size
ropin’ strays between her thighs
o my she surprised us deboning that turkey all by herself
i didn’t even offer to help out, no
i was still checking my polyester self out in the mirror
groovin’ to my smooth moves doin’
who’s makin’ love to your old lady
i was checking out yr hands, hoping to scope
some shred of heart or giblet underneath yr fingernails
but they had been licked right clean

so hey best bosom heavy buddies
could we spend the o holy night together
the stars are brightly shining
under this feels like summer bummer weather
o could we be freewheeling xmas pageant scene stealers
and do you think the manger & both camels
will stack in the back of yr little black hatchback
and does it seem to you as if this xmas was directed
and executive produced by mr john waters himself
and that’s when she asks me
so which one of us was edith massey?
and hey, where was the eating dog shit part??

oh.. so that’s why yr girlfriend was out sweepin’ up the carport

now in the meadow we can build a snowman
and pretend that he is parson brown
he’ll say are you married, we’ll say no man
and don’t that just make us the talk of this
freak town.